Maintaining Healthy Boundaries

Maintaining Healthy Boundaries

                Pastors are being called upon to deal with some complex issues which in many cases they have not been prepared to address.  In addition, what I have found is that people often assume a ministerial vocation is the only vocation that makes a person an expert in all subject areas—NOT!  But unfortunately, too often the minister and congregation will assume that because a spiritual leader is placed in such a high esteem that he is likely an expert in all areas.  It is a setup for a lot of emotional pain for the minister and his parishioner. 

Take a moment to reflect….
                       What are boundaries?
                       Describe you boundaries.
                       What are areas screaming for boundaries in your life?

Boundaries are property lines that assist us with knowing where we begin and end.  Pastors need to develop boundaries in areas such as conversations (do not dominate discussions with your knowledge), voice levels (other may not want to hear you during their meal or in the elevator of the hospital or public place), length of sermon, pastoral counseling, schedules, salaries, their staff and congregation.  Everyone needs a personal boundary system or interior mechanism that protects your body, mind, emotions, and behavior.  The boundary system has three purposes:  gives you a sense of self, prevents you from being victimized, and prevents you from being an abuser.

Boundaries are property lines that we need in order to stay healthy and balanced in our everyday lives.  Otherwise, we could easily be caught up in others’ needs and avoid taking care of ourselves and become compassion fatigued.

Boundaries can be defined as exterior and interior.  Exterior boundaries are symbolic of fences.  Visualize a high, chain-link fence with rolling barbed wire and enough electric current running through it to slightly sting anyone who touches it.  This kind of fence allows someone to see the other person’s “property,” while its barbed wire and respectable voltage keeps them from trespassing.  Conversely, this kind of fence will keep others from trespassing onto your own “property.”  Normally when we are in everybody else’s stuff, we are not taking care of what God has entrusted us to look after.

Interior boundaries, on the other hand, need to be made out of reinforced steel and concrete that forms a dam, with a red button and a green button at your fingertips.  We need to visualize the red button and how it needs to be pushed in order for the dam to stop incoming flow from flooding our thoughts, our emotions and our behaviors.  Dam, dam and dam (and we are not even cursing!)

Note that God has made us free moral agents and that we have a choice to establish these boundaries.  When we do not establish boundaries, we find ourselves feeling as though we have no choice, and we get caught up in an unstable cycle.  It’s then that we’re in trouble.  We have allowed the adversary of our soul to put us in a very unhealthy condition.  Boundaries help us to stay out of role-playing and game-playing.  Boundaries help us say, “No, I’m not playing!”  They allow us quiet time for prayer and meditation to know, to hear the still small voice for adult daily living.

-Kenneth A. Finch, Ph.D. LMHC is currently in private practice as a Board Certified    Traumatologist, Board Certified Cognitive Behavior Therapist and Board Diplomat Clinical Sexologist.  He is the author of Umbrella of Grace: Spiritual Abuse, Addiction and Recovery.  Dr.  Finch conducts leadership, marriage and family conferences